27 Reasons to Avoid Farmers Markets (Satire) Hot

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Eating local is all the rage right now. Still, there are plenty of reasons to avoid farmers' markets and roadside stands. If you can say—and believe—the following statements, don't be taken in by all the foodie hype!

  1. I prefer bland, tasteless food. Taste buds are best kept lulled and complacent. Like old-school vanilla before the French got hold of it.

  2. If farmers have faces—which I doubt—why would I want to look at them? Anonymity rules!

  3. I love factory-farmed meat, dairy, and eggs. All animals belong in little boxes.

  4. I love eating chemicals and pesticides. After all, if this stuff preserves food, it will preserve me, too. Won't it?

  5. The goal of living in community is to be like all the other neighborhoods in the world. We'd all be happier if we were homogenous.
    Diversity is a killer.

  6. I love GMO. One day I might sport gills like a fish or raise glow-in-the-dark rabbits. Could anything be cooler?

  7. I hate my neighbors and I hope they all lose their jobs and have to move away. Small local businesses are nothing but a pain.

  8. I like being ignored by my growers. Why would I want better service and people paying attention to my needs? Someone trying to understand makes me uncomfortable.

  9. Ignorance is bliss. I need to protect my kids from knowledge, fun, and health at any cost.

  10. I love paying the middleman. Why should farmers get actual wages when we could support commodity traders instead?

  11. I demand every fruit or vegetable to be the same size and shape as the next one and absolutely blemish free.

  12. I live for confusing labels. They keep my mind active.

  13. I adore excessive packaging. If I didn't have so much plastic to get rid of, how would I ever fill my garbage bins?

  14. I prefer to limit choices. Boredom is good; creativity is evil.

  15. I hate fun and the outdoors, preferring to stay within my four walls and doing the same things every day.

  16. I enjoy supporting economies in far-off places. My taxes shouldn't cover local needs. That's just selfish. We don't want to be selfish.

  17. I avoid antioxidants and phytonutrients. Such big words. Do you have any idea what they could do to you? Me either.

  18. I love being at the mercy of chain supermarkets, because I know they have my best interests at heart.

  19. I prefer sterile urban landscapes to farmland. Smog is a better inhalant than cow manure.

  20. I like to spend more money on food, especially if more fingers can get a piece of the pie. We all like pie. May I have lemon meringue made from a mix?

  21. With labeling, I don't need to think about what I eat. Who knows how many calories are in a zucchini? They can't be trusted.

  22. I prefer elevator music to guys with guitars or fiddles. Wouldn't want to be exposed to anything like original music played by real people. Shudder.

  23. Why sniff real food when I can indulge in fake smells like an apple pie candle? Achoo.

  24. I'd rather eat fake sweeteners made of chemicals in factories than honey made by bees. Regurgitated pollen? Ew. That's gross.

  25. I want to suffer from fun things like cancer, heart disease or diabetes. Maybe I'll get to die young.

  26. I love seeing big reefer trucks on the highway. They make driving more of an adventure. Love it when semis tailgate me.

  27. I don't approve of seasons. Food is dumb if it can't figure out how to be grown 12 months of the year on all 6 continents. And in Antarctica, come to think of it.

If these statements represent your foodie opinions, run—don't walk—as far from your local farmers' market as you can get. If not, come join the fun! Beware: real food is addictive.

 

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